Should a lover of Christ marry an unbeliever?

Should a lover of Jesus Christ marry an unbeliever? How do we know the answer to that? What if a person becomes a Christian after marriage to an unbeliever?

The book of 2 Chronicles as well as Ezra teach that part of the repentant life of faith is not marrying an unbeliever, who in biblical terms is also called an idolater. Here is why: If you marry an unbeliever he or she will divide your heart.

Much of the idolatry in Israel came from marrying spouses who loved idolatry. King Jehoram, for example, marries a daughter of Ahab, a wicked king and she influenced his heart for ill: "And he walked in the way of the kings of Israel, as the house of Ahab had done, for the daughter of Ahab was his wife. And he did what was evil in the sight of the Lord." (21:6, all references from 2 Chronicles unless specified). King Jehoshaphat, a good king, marries one of the Ahab's relatives as well (18:1). During the reign of Asa, a pretty good king, he had to depose his grandmother Maacah as queen because she was leading the people into sin (15:16). Who was Maacah? She was the wife of King Rehoboam, the son of Solomon. And Rehoboam himself, the chronicler tells us, is the offspring of the union between Solomon and one of his Ammonite wives (12:13). All this goes back to King Solomon who intermarried with foreign wives who turned his heart from God.

What is the lesson? Marrying someone who is not fully allied with God will always yield grief and often times result in great evil.

For those returning to Jerusalem the message couldn't have been clearer: “Don't intermarry with the other nations! Intermarriage leads to disaster!” God had warned the people of Israel of this all the way back in Deuteronomy 7:3 and they did not listen and it lead to their downfall the first time.

Now, we aren't trying to set up a nation like Israel, but God is very clear that a marriage of a believer to an unbeliever is not His will (1 Corinthians 7:39; 2 Corinthians 6:14). Why? Well, how attractive can you, who are supremely attracted to Jesus Christ as a believer, find someone who is not? How attractive can that person really be? Now, if you came to be supremely attractive to Jesus Christ after you were married, then God can give you wonderful sustaining grace to keep you in that marriage. That is His will in that case.

But if you are single and free and are biblically able to marry, then the Bible tells you to seek a spouse who loves the Lord as much if not more than you do! He or she will help you and influence you as God intends. If you, a believer, marry an unbeliever, then you will not have exclusive allegiance to Jesus Christ and you will not display the character of God as clearly as you can.

A faithful and godly wife

A few weeks ago I shared some thoughts from Gary and Betsy Ricucci's book on how husbands ought to love their wives.

Now it is the ladies turn. In one chapter, this couple gives trustworthy biblical teaching about how wives can fulfill their God-given calling in marriage. They don't offer an exhaustive list, but their thoughts will make you think and if implemented will be highly effective in helping you be a godly wife.

God gives three basic commands to wives in Titus 2:3-5. Wives must love, respect and submit to their husbands.

A wife can cultivate love toward her husband by. . .

• Pray for him and with him
• Learn to understand him
• Communicate in ways that serve him
• Demonstrate physical affection to him
• Enjoy shared activities with him.

A wife should demonstrate and cultivate respect for her husband (Ephesians 5:33b) in her thoughts, words, and actions. To test the level of respect for your husband, you might ask:

• Am I more aware of my husband's deficiencies or his strengths?
• Am I more inclined to criticize my husband (whether verbally or in my heart) or to commend him?
• Have I failed to express respect for my husband because I'm so concerned about a particular area of sin in his life?
• Have I ever thought, If I encourage him in one area, will he think I'm condoning everything else he does that's wrong?

Respecting your husband begins with the right thoughts. This is one way that a wise woman builds her house well. So a wife should evaluate her thoughts as follows:

• What thoughts spring to my mind when I think of my husband?
• Do these thoughts honor my husband?
  

Wives should seek to commend and encourage their husbands with respectful words--at all times. A wife should ask herself:

• How do I speak to my husband when we are alone?
• How do I speak to him in public?
• How do I speak of him to others?

Respectful actions speak volumes as to how you view your husband. So you may ask:

• Do I show respect to my husband through my actions? How so?
• Do I freely display affection for him through appropriate contact (depending on the circumstances)?
• Do I listen intently to him when he is speaking, whether in public or private?
• Do my deeds communicate a lack of respect, inattentiveness or even indifference. . . like interrupting him, looking elsewhere when he's talking, or forgetting to get to things he asked me to do?
  

There is much more practical help in this chapter, so you might want to get this book and read it as a couple. [Hey, what a great read for February and with Valentine's Day around the corner]

The goal of every wife should be to be an "excellent wife" who is "the crown to her husband" (Proverbs 12:4a). This is "a woman who endeavors by God's grace to give her utmost to the great call of being a faithful and godly wife--and God gives grace where he intends to reveal grace."

Husbands leading with love

I have been battling a cold for the last several days and therefore my goal to blog daily has been been disrupted, but I thought I would try to get back on track a little bit today and catch up on at least a day or two of blogging themes. So here is my weekly on marriage and the family.

I am continuing to be challenged by a book Love that Lasts by Gary and Besty Riucci. After establishing the need for the gospel in a marriage, Gary deals with the role of husbands leading with love. He reminds us men to love our wives graciously and sacrificially. Sacrifice means more than just providing for her; it means making sure that she never has to sacrifice before or more than we do. He lists these thought-provoking questions to query ourselves.

• Is there some way I can give myself to serve my wife?
• Where do I see selfishness in my life that hinders unreserved love for my wife?
• Am I withholding something of myself that would bless my wife – my attention, affection, or creativity?
  
• What is God calling me to give up because it diverts my attention and affection from my wife?
  

God's Word also teaches that we must love our wives redemptively, remembering our model is Christ's love for His church. Therefore every husband might ask himself these questions:

• Do I faithfully pray for her, that Jesus Christ might be glorified in her and that she might know his love and grace?
• Do I love her enough to confront and correct her sin, especially recurrent patterns of sin, and then patiently and consistently lead her into fruitful and liberating repentance?
• Do I wash her with the water of God’s Word (Ephesians 5:25-27), or do I compromise her growth in godliness because my pride, selfishness, or fear keeps me from this God-given responsibility?
• Do I lead her into active involvement and service in our local church?
• Do I consistently remind her of the gospel of grace and of god’s active goodness on our behalf?

In addition, over in 1 Peter 3, God's Word teaches us to love our wives with understanding and with honor.

To really love our wives like this leads us to what Ricucci calls "desperate dependence" which explains by writing,

Desperate is exactly where God wants us. Far from being a desperation devoid of hope, it is a self-despair that acknowledges absolutely no inherent adequacy, sufficiency, or competency for the task. It is a desperation that turns the eyes of faith toward the God of grace. There, and there alone do we discover complete and perfect adequacy, sufficiency, and competence (2 Corinthians 1:20)

It comes down to this: we can love and lead our wives because, and only because, Christ first loved us (Galatians 2:20). Our role originates in the gospel, is empowered by the gospel, and is perfected through the gospel. We can love and lead our wives because our Savior, Jesus Christ, loved us, gave himself up for us, and leads us each day in mercy and grace.

If such a standard leaves you feeling defeated, take Gary's advice and remember that the most important question isn't "How badly have I failed?" but rather with all God's limitless grace at my disposal, "What can I do today to trust, obey, and glorify Christ in my marriage by loving, serving, and leading my wife?"